Friday, September 10, 2010

re: my student loans

Dear Sirs,

Regarding your recent letter on the subject of my tardy payment of my student loans, I would like to present to you the reasons for the lack of past or future payments.

First, and most importantly, is the Mayan calendar. According to their ancient wisdom, which was further reinforced by a John Cusack-lead blockbuster from Hollywood, the world will be ending in 2012. I doubt the fine writers in Hollywood could possibly get that research and interpretation wrong. They never do. So, assuming the Mayans were accurate keepers of the calendar, we all have just over 2 years before catastrophe and bad CG effects end us all. By this point, I will have made little more than a dent in the near-70 grand in loans it took for me to achieve my two degrees. Further, since the world will come to an end, it's unlikely that the money I would pay you would do you much good (given the world not existing anymore and all). Additionally, the small pittance that you would recover from me in that time would be something akin to whale hunting with a BB gun. Sure, I may hit the target, but no one's likely to start calling me Captain Ahab.

Further, let's say that the End of Days comes along and I do actually survive. I'm assuming this would be the case because and only because I DO plan on keeping up on my car loan. Let's face it, I don't plan on running from rivers of molten magma on foot. That just doesn't make sense for anyone, and certainly not if they have my knees. So I'll keep up on the oil changes and keep the tank full when December of '12 rolls through town. Now, should I have survived (as I'm assuming Cusack did, because frankly, I couldn't watch that drivel), I have to think that food, water, shelter, and gas to run my death-mobile in this "Mad Max", post-apocalyptic world will be much more helpful than my General Studies degree. As myself and a small coterie of survivors fend for our lives in this new, dangerous, and desolate wasteland, having a Masters in Communication and Information Sciences probably will be less helpful than than a certificate of completion from the 'Paul Teutul Sr. School of Management and Fathering'.

As it happens, even prior to God splitting the clouds, reaching down his considerable hand, and bitch-slapping humanity, my MS is pretty much worthless anyway.

Which brings me to my second point. Since completion of my graduate degree, I have spent almost as much time LOOKING for work as I have ACTUALLY WORKING! So what am I getting for my money anyway? Unemployment benefits? Isn't that just stealing from one hand to pay the other, when you think about it? Classic Peter and Paul scenario, right? In fact, I'm kind of insulted that you didn't think of that in the first place. You are the FRIGGIN' GOVERNMENT, for the love of beef ('It's What's for Dinner', or so Sam Elliott would have you believe). My point is, that in the midst of one of the worst economic recessions of all time... (which, c'mon, just between you and's really a depression, right?....huh? C'mooooooon...) degrees are as worthless as tits on a bull.

Worth less than the paper their printed on.

Worth less than a sense of humor at a Paul Reiser comedy show (he's just not funny).

Worth less than a penis at an Indigo Girls concert.

Worth less than the song "YMCA" at a dance for dyslexics.

Ok, probably crossed a line on that last one, but do you get what I'm aiming at here? Does me no good. I bought into the lie. Go to school, get good grades (well...passing grades anyway; they're never gonna ask), get a good job, be a productive member of society and the capitalist machine. A wife, 2.5 kids, a dog named Spot, and a white picket fence wouldn't have hurt either.

But you and the collegiate system have not lived up to your end. So, I'm calling foul and bowing out until you start coming through for me. I'll accept the studio apartment with no picket fence. Fine. Don't need the wife and kids (but a girlfriend wouldn't kill ya). To be honest, I probably couldn't take care of the dog named Spot, let alone the 2.5 kids (the .5 one is SOOO high maintenance!!). So fine, but a job and that mindless naivete that I had as a kid, when I once thought the lies were the truth, would suffice just fine.

Thank you for your time...and the Government Cheese. It goes great on Ramen.