When did ESPN stop meaning Eastern Sports Programming Network and start meaning Endless Speculation, Prognostication, and Nonsense? They spend 19 hours a day reporting on where LeBron James is going to sign without any insight, any first hand knowledge (nor second, third or even 8th hand knowledge), nor any facts whatsoever.
LeBron wore a Yankees cap? Off to the Big Apple, without a doubt..
Changing his number from 23? He was a huge Jordan fan, must have done it so he can go to Chi-town!
King James knows Jay Z? Wave to him on the New Jersey turnpike kids, he’s headed your way!
Really, you know what that tells me? He’s a Yankees fan who liked the Bulls when they were winning championships. LBJ is a FRONTRUNNER!!! …And, honestly, who wouldn’t want to be a couple feet away from Beyonce?
It also tells me that ESPN has gotten so far away from what made it great that if they aren’t showing a live event, then they really aren’t worth watching. I’ll get my scores and highlights online, since you can’t be bothered, ESPN. Thank you. I’m sick to death of stories in April that proclaim “We’ll tell you who’s going to win this year’s Super Bowl! Coming up on Sportcenter.” Wait. Whaaaaaa…. They haven’t even had practices yet and you’re crowning the champs? Seems a tad ambitious, yeah? “We’ll tell you why LA is going to win tomorrow night’s game 7.” Oh, thanks, man. That clears up my schedule to get blotto on Rumplemints and rub a couple out to reruns of Hannah Montanna! Are you a sports network or the Psychic Friends Network? Seriously, you scamps, where are you hiding Dionne Warwick?
Oh, but please, slurp on the Yanks and Sox just a little harder, guys. It’s not like NY doesn’t already have THEIR OWN FRIGGIN’ NETWORK!! And who gives a crap and a half about Boston fans? Could they be any more annoying? Talk about obnoxious band-wagoners! Big Papi? Really? Yeah, let’s all stand back and watch that obese pony do his one un-athletic trick. Great home run, fatty, now try and round the bases in a fortnight and get back to your feedbag.
Well, that last part is bound to get me in some trouble, but that's the fun, so let it rip.
Later folks, thanks for reading.