1) COMPLETE A DAMN THOUGHT!!
Don’t start off the thing with a “Dude.” or “Yo!” or something like that as your first text out of the gate. One or two word texts are not acceptable. Ever. Maybe you’re on an unlimited text plan, but I’m not and every single incoming or outgoing text counts against my balance, so make it friggin’ count! Besides that, this isn’t IM and it wastes my time to have to ask what is up. JUST TELL ME!! Stop texting like a 13 year old girl, dammit!! “Yo” is just the beginning of the though that you already have in your melon, so put down the rest of it in the first damn text And if you’re thumbs just aren’t in good enough condition to type all those pesky little digits….THEN FRIGGIN’ CALL ME INSTEAD AND STOP WASTING MY TIME!! Dammit, man, the Gilmore Girls are on!
2) NO F’ING FORWARDS!!
This one really chaps my chode (my taint, my tisnt, my sandbar: and if you don’t know what I mean by those synonyms than I can’t help you)! I already delete the forwards I get in my email before I’ve read them (sorry, Dad!), but now you have to inundate my phone with these stupid things, too? Really? As stated before, this transaction costs money for those of us who don’t text enough to make an unlimited plan necessary but occasionally exceed our allowance of texts per month. Don’t push me closer to that redline with a joke about a hooker, a chicken, and the Statue of David. First of all, I’ve probably already got that in my email inbox waiting to be deleted, but secondly IT ISN’T FRIGGIN’ FUNNY!! Don’t be so casual about texts that they become reflexive and nonchalant. And what is your goal anyway? To waste yet another of my texts with a reply of “LOL” even though I didn’t laugh, and even if I had, it would have only been a slight chuckle and certainly wouldn’t have been audible to anyone but dogs (which I believe is abbreviated as “CQTMSQODCHI”---chuckles quietly to myself so quietly only dogs can hear it) ! Texts are designed to convey important information with an economy of words. If you want to waste words and time on things which no one gives two craps and a Kit Kat bar on….sign up for Facebook like the rest of us have!
3) DO NOT SEND ME PORN PICS!!
First of all, I don’t have a data plan, so you cost me money when you send me pictures (and I would think the two rules above should have established and illustrated the fact that I’m a cheap ass). And it would be fine if the picture was of something of interest, but it’s porn. And not even good porn. It’s sad porn that makes the other porn feel sorry for it. The porn that had to get free lunches in school and wore shoes from Payless. We’re talking low-rent porn here. Secondly, the screen on my phone isn’t very large, so the quality of the sad-sack porn you sent is further diminished. NO SQUINT FOR TITTIES!! That’s the platform I’m running on: the view I’m espousing. And thirdly, but most importantly, there’s this thing called the Internet. Heard of it? Yeah, it’s absolutely filthy with….well, filth. If I need porn, you better believe I can find it. And I can find it for free! Doesn’t cost me anything but a half hour of my time and a tablespoon of swimmers. I’m mid-30’s and single, do you honestly believe I DON’T know where to go to find some free porn? Read the tealeaves, Chachie, I’ve got time on my hands (and I’ll leave that sentence alone so you can insert your own joke at the end).
Those are the rules and they are rigid and unbending, yet elegant in their simplicity. Follow them unwaveringly and there will be no problems. Violate them and you will soon find yourself on a no-fly-zone, blocked sender list that is impossible to extract yourself from without heavy penance and costly bribery. Thank you for your indulgence.