Monday, August 2, 2010

The age of celebutards is upon us...

…And I’m really not happy about it. Used to be you had to actually DO something to get some recognition and fame. Now all you have to do is be a boarder-line retard that doesn’t mind whoring off any good nurturing your parents might have raised you with. (Yeah, that was a painfully long sentence. I’m aware of the problem and have notified management). Here are some examples that spring to mind:

1) Kim Kardashian

Glad there’s nonstop coverage of your dumb ass dalliances invading every media outlet on cable INCLUDING ESPN! IS NOTHING SACRED?! On the bright side, because of this undeserved attention being rained down on you like so many loads of….well, let’s not be too graphic here, but at least I’ll know in advance who’ll be featured in your next un-watchable sex tape. God, that was some poor production value. Get a MAC and a second camera, whore!

2) “Snookie”

First of all, “Snookie”? Really? That’s the best you could come up with? Take a break from the spray tan, pumpkin head, it’s starting to stunt your ridiculousness! Secondly, how would the cops have been able to tell if she was drunk? After all, Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down. What gives? Did she try to talk again? Damn you, coppers! You’ve discovered her Achilles Heal!! Yeah, we all know that was a publicity stunt. You know why? Cuz we have IQ’s that exceed 12.

3) Any friggin’ one of the douche-nozzle “Real Housewives”

Oh, so you married for money AND got a TV contract? Greeeeaaaat…I’m really hoping karma hangs a U-turn and hits you like a Peterbilt! Well, not so much “like” a Peterbilt, so much as “an actual” Peterbilt. Just make sure you’re all standing close in ridiculous poses and in ill-fittingly tight and restrictive dresses like the end of every one of your stupid commercials SO YOU CAN’T RUN ANYWHERE, you snarky, pretentious, entitled meat-puppets!

That’s enough ranting for now. I’ve got to go find the cast of “Jersey Shore" and hit them repeated with a fungo bat.

1 comment:

  1. You didn't even hit on celebutard men...come on Dave. You really should use equal opportunity sarcasam.