I’ve seen some other blogs similar to this and it started me thinking. So here is what I would say to the16 year old me, back in the year.....never mind....shut up! Don’t judge me!!!
>Buy stock in Yahoo! As soon as you can and as much as you can, and don’t sell ’til sometime after the millennium.
>Go to Purdue, get a degree in Computer Science, invent something that has to do with streaming media, sell it to Microsoft and buy an NBA team (Damn you Mark Cuban, you idea snatching bastard!!!)
>Don’t buy a Subaru. Or any car with a boxer engine. They have 2 timing belts, and when one goes bad, it all goes bad. Very bad.
>Go someplace nicer than Olive Garden for prom! Dumb ass!
>Be an asshole. Walk around with a smug, absent look on your grill at all times. Nice guys don’t finish last, they finish ALONE!
>DO NOT, under any circumstances whatsoever, move to Eugene Oregon. Nothing but bad luck awaits you there. For every ounce of happiness you might feel, you’ll have 10 tons of bad luck. Trust me.
>Boxers or boxer-briefs. Those are your choices. AND NO DAMN LEOPARD PRINT!
>Skip school at least once a semester your Junior year. You’ll thank me. Seriously.
>Listen to your father. Believe it or not, he’s right and you’re an IDIOT!
>From this point forward, do not ever consider buying a gaming console. You just simply do not have the temperament for it. Your guys won’t tackle. And try and relax a bit, that temper isn’t productive!
>Never stop playing guitar and never stop wanting to be a rock God.
>Don’t lose touch with Lan. He’s one of the true good guys and you’ll sorely miss his friendship if you do.
>There is nothing, I reiterate NOTHING, redeeming about a mullet. High and tight, jerk wad, high and tight!
>You’re not going to go blind, but seriously, take it easy on Nixon! We’re not playing "Whack-a-Mole" here! It’s like you’re angry at it!
>Accept that there are people in this world that will always skate through life unscathed. And accept that you will always be the exact and polar opposite of that on the Bell Curve. You’ll be a stronger person for the trials and tribulations. But if you follow my advice...you’ll own them all!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
>For the love of all that is good and holy, please stop wearing tank tops! You’re like, what? 145 lbs soaking wet? Hit the weight room for about a year and a half and then talk to me.
>When you get to Purdue...Trish and Rachael....nope, you got that one right....
>Way to go with that scooter, JAFO! That’s the express train to "Girfriendville", you friggin’ tool!! Get a car!!!
>Get out of your own head for a while and loosen the F*ck up!!
>If anyone offers you the opportunity to sell books door-to-door, do not under any circumstances (even if there is a gun to your head and a mouse trap to your junk) even consider that offer for one friggin’ second!
>If you follow all of the above advice and still manage to meet Kelly, don’t be a dick. She deserves the best you have; the best you are. She’s good people. She’s one of the few exceptions to the "be an asshole" advice.
I don’t know what else I can say to prepare you for the ebbs and flows that await you. Theoretically speaking, if you follow this advice, the me that is now will cease to exist and the "you" that develops into the older you will replace me. And maybe communism will prevail I don’t have a lot of control over that.
Best of luck, kid. If my experience is in any way indicative.....you’ll need it. And then some.
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